at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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