I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
