just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
