I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
