I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
