miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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