Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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