I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Screwed.edu
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
