i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
