I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
