Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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