you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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