if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
