Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
