He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
