I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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