If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
