I love black thongs
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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