My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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