I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
