A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
