To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
