all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
