my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
