Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
