i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
