Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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