I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize