i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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