I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
