If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
