Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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