I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize