She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
