woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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