woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
