i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
