Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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