the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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