On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
