i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
