So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
