I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
