Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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