I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
