Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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