I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
