Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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