KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
