its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
