Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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