tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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