So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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