I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
