I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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