I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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