I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize